I am starting to think that what I really need is a mental health blog. Or to combine all my little blogs into one big blog so I can stop repeating myself from different angles. Who knows.
A friend of mine committed suicide this weekend. We weren’t close lately, hadn’t been for a couple years, but once upon a time I lent her all my books about depression and gave her my number and talked to her about my experiences with therapy and brain chemicals that just don’t work right . Through her, I lent her husband the book “How to Help When Someone You Love is Depressed” that I’d gotten for my husband ages ago. She still had a few books that hadn’t made it back to me. I guess they never will. These aren’t the thoughts one generally shares, I know, but somehow they are the ones my brain is holding onto right now, instead of blubbering insanely about how sad it all is and how hard I tried to help her and how I failed to keep up and how I regret it and how I am never ever the person I mean to be when it comes to other people and how I should have kept up with her when she went silent. Because once I get started with them, the tears start, they don’t stop.
THIS YEAR. I CAN’T TAKE THIS YEAR.
One of my good friends from junior high died this last year: breast cancer. My ex-boyfriend from high school was accused of sexual misconduct with a student and I can’t quite bring myself to admit that I really do think it’s something he did, because then I’d have to admit out loud to my family and other people how awful he was (in college I had girls email me out of nowhere and ask me to join their therapy group because ….) and they don’t need to hear that. Then there was my mom and the hospital last summer. And another ancient friend’s husband died unexpectedly from pneumonia. Another one’s brother died and I somehow totally missed it and I feel awful about it, but don’t know what to say now. Another friends son had a terrible car accident months ago and is only now walking. And then the husband of a girl here in town that was one of those friends-of-a-friend that you always hear about that you feel like you know even though you’ve actually never met them? The one you’ve heard dozens of stories about? Yeah. Her husband died trying to save someone after a car accident. And now this.
I told my spouse that I needed a Self Care day. He was busy, of course, because we are NEVER not busy these days, and said the wrong thing and that made me cry more. He apologized and said the right things later but I ….well… I am broken at this point. And thanking God or the Universe or Whatever I’m Believing In This Week that I asked the doctor for those anti-depressant, anti-anxiety meds way back in October. Because I don’t know what or who to believe in these days, but SCIENCE seems like a good thing. Quantifiable, you know. I don’t, I just don’t know. Nobody is available on a Saturday to talk, so I’ve been making due with a bunch of movies (The Decoy Bride I need to own and Wild Targets I’m going to rewatch and A Good Woman I’m in the middle of, but it’s kind of bland so far despite good reviews – I’m thinking I just don’t like Scarlet Johanssen) and a bottle of wine and a box of chicken quesadillas.
Thank you for listening and thinking about me. I know we don’t see/know each other in person, but you mean the world to me, you really do. *big big hugs*
I promised more organizing for the next day’s post and many days have gone by and I can’t remember any more what I organized, so I’m looking through my pictures to help me remember:
Honestly, I’ve gotten nothing else done since then, except a tiny bit in my makeup & hair boxes. Steph and I did a writer’s retreat this weekend, which I posted about here(from a writing standpoint) and here (from an RA standpoint). Since I’m still working on last month’s holidays, I brought her her family’s gifts, and she sent some home with me for the boys as well.
The kids were out of school on Monday, so we had a quiet, fun day:
and worked in the garden. Ben had scouts in the evening. I don’t know that we should call it that anymore, as he’s the only one that ever shows up any more. *sigh*
Yesterday I didn’t have to work, but I did have a bunch of errands to run: a Goodwill drop-off where I spoke to a man named Ram about how God changed his life, a grocery store run to buy lunch makings since the kids had eaten them all up over the weekend, and then my book study on Raising Resilient Kids over at the PDC. After school Ben had dance, so Greg and I hit the dollar store so he could use some of his Christmas money. Then off to piano lessons, where we got a lesson on what goes on inside the piano and how all the pedals work. It was awesome!
Today I was hoping to sub, but haven’t gotten a call, so I’m going to go off and work on some stuff in my bedroom, which has all the boxes of “doesn’t live here” from David’s room cleaning last week. It’s pretty scary and I’m tired of looking at them! Once I get done with that, it’s time for fun stuff: writing! 🙂
I was talking to a friend today over “coffee” (I had chai tea and she had lemonade, actually, but we will still call it “coffee” because I can’t think of anything better right now) about the challenges of working a non-specific schedule. I had had all these plans to organize the whole house this week, but got called in to substitute three half days this week in Kindergarten-land (which is more tiring than a whole day of other grades, let me tell you). It was good to get back to work, as I didn’t work at all in December, but it was still hard because I’d had all these mental plans and didn’t get to most of them.
Here’s what I did get done, though. David’s room, before:
Currently, I’m still not done, but we’re getting there:
I also got some more things organized elsewhere in the house, but that’s a post for tomorrow! 🙂
As you know, I go crazy in January and start cleaning and organizing everything in sight. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the cold, rainy weather.
Yesterday I tackled my hallway bathroom closet, which I guess could also be called my linen closet.
After several hours and possibly a billion interruptions (Next time I’m putting a Do Not Enter if You Value Your Life sign up.):
Today I’m tackling David’s room as part of my Flylady plan. It won’t be done in 15 minutes for sure, but today the desk is getting organized. I’ve been at it an hour now and it’s finally empty. I’ve filled one trash can, one keep box, and one another-room box already. Now I can see why he can’t ever find his school papers. There were a few papers in each messy drawer. AIE!
I guess I should catch up with the rest of the week first. All righty then!
Wednesday I went to the doctor for my physical. We talked about many things, like my meds (they’ve changed), my blood pressure (it’s happy), my anxiety (lessened by meds, yay!), weight loss (uh, yeah), and my heart condition, which was the surprise topic. Apparently I have one? Or might? In any case it led to more blood tests on Thursday. We’ll see what they say. As I was leaving there the nurse from the school called and said Greg’s shoes had exploded and could I bring new ones? I could not, so he borrowed some from her. My mom took him and Ben out and got them more shoes that afternoon while David was at meetings at school.
Thursday was a sick-kid-at-home day, but my mom watched him while I was out.
By mid afternoon he was doing all right and we watch Sofia the First on the Disney channel, which he loved, while snuggling. 🙂 That evening we went over to my parents house for dinner and a game of Cargo Noir, which went on for hours and hours. I don’t even remember who won. It went on so long that Ben and Greg both fell asleep, so Nick and I had to carry them home while David carried all our stuff. I’m sure we made quite a sight on the street.
Friday I had a sick Ben at home…or rather, at Grandma’s house in the morning so I wouldn’t have to miss my coffee date with the neighbor yet again (we’ve been back and forth and back and forth with changing dates due to sick kids. We live 4 houses away from each other and have not managed to see each other since Thanksgiving). It was a lovely morning with muffins made by a different neighbor. 🙂 Friday afternoon I brought Ben back home and he was much recovered.
Friday afternoon we had the Scouts over from our Pack and taught them Fire Safety in our side yard. It had rained enough this week (all week long) that everything was nice and wet and safe, but we still made them clear the ground cover before starting the fire.
Then they and their siblings all jumped on the trampoline until it was too dark to see anymore and the other mom dragged them all off. 🙂
Then that evening we had my parents over for dinner, as it was our last evening together before they had to go back home and my dad had to start teaching again.
Saturday morning we hung out with my parents again and made them play Creationary with us. We’ve discovered that it is supremely hard, even using just the basic cards. David’s the only one that’s any good at it. Our church had Teen Day that afternoon, with all the kids in the Teen Group serving in places that adults normally serve, like being Greeters, Ushers, Song Leader, Prayer Leader, and Pianist. It was pretty cool seeing all our kids do that stuff.
After services were over was our church’s Mexican Potluck and Variety Show. (I still need to offload videos, but some of them are pretty shaky.) Our congregation has been hit pretty hard with the flu, so two of our major performers/accompanists were out sick, which left us with some holes in our program.
Right after the Variety Show, we headed straight out so David could make it to his friends birthday party/sleepover. He was sooo excited! 🙂 They stayed up all night and played the Wii and DS’s and had Nerf gun wars. He came home and pretty much went right to bed. 🙂
The rest of us have spent our day cleaning house and getting ready for the next week. And that is that. Hope y’all are having a great weekend!
1. I have exercised this week. I’m stretching each morning and trying not to fall on my face. I’m following the Workout Trainer App on my Android and while I’m not in love with it, it’s better than nothing for a free exercise course to get me started. Also, my friend Monaca and I agreed that we’re not getting any skinnier meeting for sweet rolls and floofy drinks, so we’re going to try walking in the future around Rose Rudman trails instead.
2. I have figured out a better daily schedule, but it includes me getting up at 5am. Umm. I’m not getting ahead on that plan, so I re-revised it and now I’m getting up at 5:30 and doing the aforementioned exercising in the comfort of my own room. Whee! I’m also writing a bit more, not fiction yet, but daily stuff and a little poetry that’s rattling around in my brain lately. Also taking care of the kids and trying to make life more sane.
3. I’m doing a Bible study off the YouVersion app and answering its questions. Not as good as going to one with other people, but way better for scheduling. For real people, I’m going to a weekly book study on Raising Resilient Children (that’s the authors website). It’s a really good book and has challenged me to respond better to my children.
4. Today I’m booking our trip to the UK for June. Thursday night Nick and I are discussing our hotel options and more detailed itinerary. Whee! (Two goals for the price of one?)
5. I downloaded the My Fitness Pal app for the iPhone, since the SparkPeople app cost a ridiculous amount of money for the update (it used to be free). So now I have two fitness pals (one a very skinny lady indeed and one person who I don’t remember at the moment) and I can track my food weirdnesses. Whee!
6. There is never going to be a #6.
7. Scaling back on the internet, I figured out how to add people to my acquaintances list on Facebook, so they practically never show up. It even suggested people. Some of them I didn’t acquantintize. Yeah, not a word. Whatever. Also, set all my newsreader subscriptions to Mark All Read so I’m not tempted to try to catch up and so am just starting over. I may dump some, we shall see. I also set my FB notifications to archive immediately so I’m not having to see them all the time.
I’m working on the blog over the next day or so. I got some really icky comments from some really icky seeming people this week and I’m rethinking the blog format and how to keep my little family safe and secure while still sharing with y’all some of the fun and crafty and book reading that goes on here. So for now, my posts are mostly private. Come on back in a week or so and I’ll have a big unveiling. 🙂