So today is two big lasts: my last day being on Effexor and my last day of going to mental health therapy. It was completely random that they coincided like this.
So far, the drug transition has gone pretty well. I’m on week two of three. I see my regular doctor on Thursday about everything, but I think it’s gone pretty well. I had a few bad days and a few really good ones and several in between.
The therapy went really well, too. I’ve learned a lot more about myself and what I want and how to get there from here. My therapist was really great to work with and asked a lot of good questions that honestly if I’d been self-help-booking it I would have just glossed over and not answered. It’s important for me to have someone there looking at me waiting for an answer before my brain will provide me with one.
I have spent the last two weeks mostly avoiding the world, though. I haven’t done any writing at all (though plenty of daydreaming), or paying much attention to the calendar (sorry I missed a few things), and am at the whoa-nuke-my-email-inbox-and-start-over stage of emailing. Thankfully nearly all important things are texted or FB messaged these days. So if you’ve been waiting for an email response from me…well, try again through another method because I have totally just been deleting everything these days.
What else? This afternoon I start writing actual words again. Tonight I’ll work on a therapist-suggested daily schedule for writing/housework/hobbies. I’m also outlining a new chores/consequences schedule for the kids, since they have not been motivated by rewards (also therapist-suggested). Tomorrow I’ll put all that into motion.
I think that’s it. Whee! On to the writing….
As most of you know, I deal with both depression and anxiety disorder in my daily life. I’ve been on and off meds for them since I was about 16. The drug that worked the best and for the longest has been, up until recently, Effexor. It has reached the failure point, though. I keep going up on dosage and nothing happens.
So my doctors decided it was time to get me off the Effexor. I’ve gone off it once before, years and years ago, before they knew quite what an ordeal it was. I went off it basically cold-turkey then and spent several weeks thinking I was going crazy and writing poems about pain and darkness. It was delightful, really.
Now that the drug is not new, there’s a protocol for going off it and I am following that protocol. I started this week going down a notch on it and started taking the starting dose of my new medicine Trintellix alongside it.
Day One: Euphoria. It was like I was Harry Potter and I’d just taken the Felix Felicis potion. I could do no wrong. Everything felt right and good. I did a couple doctor visits, all the laundry, and the dishes. Got it all done quick and easily with energy to spare.
Day Two: The Utter Blackness of Despair. It started even before I’d properly woken up, that feeling of doubt so deep that even moving my foot to start getting out of the bed felt like I was making the worst decision of my life. My brain was telling me all the bad things that could go wrong every second of the whole day and reminding me of every mistake I have ever made. In addition to that loveliness, I felt like my blood had all been taken out and replaced with Listerine or Icy Hot. I was literally writhing in discomfort all day. I mostly wallowed around feeling awful, but did manage to get a few necessary things done, like calling and cancelling all those things we never use, like my gym membership, magazine subscriptions, etc.
Day Three: Seems to be a little bit of a combination of day one and two. I’m back to feeling a bit euphoric, like it might be a really good idea to drive to Frisco and shop at IKEA this afternoon before driving back home and picking up kids, but tempered by the brain whispers telling me that I need to have money in the bank to shop and that IKEA takes way longer than 90 minutes. So since I seem to have motivation again, I am spending the day writing and getting some random housework done before getting started on a cross-stitching project of the Star Wars logo.
I am done with Phase One of my diet.
Before and After Phase One
Weight: -5 lbs
Neck: -.5 inch
Arms: -.15 inches
Waist: -4 inches
Hips: the same
Thighs: -.5 inch
PROGRESS!! WOO HOO!!
After a couple days of being the crankiest woman on earth (so hungry, so tired of these 20 foods in phase one), I noticed this morning that my jacket fit so much better. A week ago, I was having trouble getting it to zip and was worried I’d have to get a new one. So I measured myself…and I’m down 5 inches at the waist! *doing a happy dance* More measurements tomorrow when I start Phase 2.
So here’s what I’ve been up to since my surgery: sitting on the couch, resting, eating, resting, more eating, more sitting, more resting.I’ve gained back all the weight I lost in the fall and then some.
Sunday I bought the book The 20/20 Diet by Dr. Phil. The book is chock full of information on getting down to the why’s behind why you eat and exercise the way you do…and why it’s all not working for you. There’s a diet and exercise plan to follow. The meals seem super easy to make and don’t require too many weird ingredients (though I haven’t found rye pasta yet in a real store). The exercise plan is similar to what we do at Curves to keep our heart rate up in between using the machines for resistance training, so that’s all good to.
Yesterday I started the food plan. The first five days you have a combination of just 20 ingredients for foods. It’s to help you get past the sugar and carbs cravings, it says. I ate pretty well yesterday. You eat every four hours and I only started getting munchy the last 30 minutes or so until my next meal. If you eat slowly and pay attention to the food, it goes really well. I had one meal that I ate too fast and that’s where I got the hungriest in between.
I woke up today and felt pretty good. Starving beyond words, but not weak or headachy like I thought I might have been (there’s very little caffeine in this plan). I had my breakfast and went off to the gym for the first time in over 6 weeks. It went pretty well, but I was shaky before Zumba started, so I didn’t stay for that this time. I’m hoping to stay for it on Thursday. (My gym has changed hours, though, and I’ll no longer be able to work out on Wednesdays. 😦 )
Anyway, I’m excited to get back in the swing of things again. I think this will be good for me. Most of the foods on the diet are things I like, or at least don’t hate. The exercise plan is close to what I’m already planning to do. I won’t say it will be easy, but it is looking like something I can follow through with.
1. Still having drainage weirdnesses. It’s just gross, y’all. You don’t want to imagine it.
2. While I do have more energy than I did, I am still falling asleep places and times when I don’t want to be (ahem. church. ahem.).
3. I am seriously tired of soup. Yes, I’ve eaten other food here and there because I didn’t want to make a fuss in public about how it hurts to eat real food, but at home it’s been soup, soup, more soup, how ’bout a side of soup? There’s only so much soup a person can eat.
4. So happy my spouse is home. They say you heal faster when in physical contact with your bestest person. I can tell you that for real you heal slower without them.
I’m working on editing posts I made in the last few weeks about my sinus surgery. Some of them were a little too drug-addled for publication and some of them just too gross. But soon, my friends, soon there will be updates.
I am thankful for smaller pains. You know how when you have a deep papercut on your finger and you realise that you use that finger for a LOT of things and every time you use it there’s a stabbing little pain? Imagine that in your nose every time you breathe in and every time you breathe out. That’s been me the last few days. Before this there was too much big aching pain in my face to notice this smaller irritating pain. So I’m thankful for this smaller pain today, my friends.
Longer than the facebook version….
1. Had my surgery follow up doctor’s appointment today. Only one small spot still looks infection-y. The rest is coming along nicely, whatever that means. I’m healing slower than he’d expected. I’m to be on the look-out for green snot & headaches, both of which I currently have. Yay? He said to check back once my antibiotics are done if I still have those things in my life. I don’t want those things in my life a week from now.
2. I am still feeling completely irritating bouts of exhaustion. If I do anything at all (for instance: try to fold laundry, wash some dishes, leave the house), I require a two-hour nap in the afternoon. It makes me less happy than I might appear here on facebook (which is a story in and of itself. Someone told me I seemed really happy and healthy on facebook. Umm. Okay. I do try to keep my facebook page relatively upbeat.)
3. The more the swelling goes down, the weirder my face looks. Everyone I’ve seen in person has been complimentary, but I still am finding it weird. My nose tilts a different direction than I’d ever remembered it doing. I spent literally an hour staring at old pictures and new ones comparing them back and forth and back and forth. It turns out that the longer you stare at yourself, the weirder you look.
4. Nick comes home tomorrow! Yay for tomorrow! Here’s what I’m hoping: I hope that him being home will help me heal faster. I’ve read that people do heal faster when they get to talk to and, more importantly, touch their loved ones. I’ve had lots of little people touches…I just think big ones are better for this kind of thing, maybe? I don’t know what I’m saying. Little people love is great! 🙂
Went out to lunch at Bruno’s with my lovely BSF ladies today. First time out being social that was not funeral related. God was definitely holding me upright for the funeral. Now I know. Oh so tired.
Lunch was interesting in that so many things that I was used to tasting seemed differently flavored. I like Bruno’s, I’ve been there a decent number of times, and their food isn’t known for big changes. But things tasted different and it’s the second day in a row that I’ve really noticed that. The Dr. Pepper was way more vanilla flavored than it was before surgery and I’m pretty certain I don’t like it better than before. The marinara sauce was more tomato flavored (and that is still icky to me). Still loved the rolls, even though they were difficult to eat while I was out. Came home and broke it into chunks and devoured them. 🙂 Tried to feed the rest of my food to kids, but it was a no go situation. Oh well.
Spent the rest of the day directing kids to do laundry from the comfort of my own bed. When I said I was tired….oh my….